I Can't Let Go

This week I have been trying a little harder to be more organized, especially with meals. I have never been very good at this particular thing but i am trying to get the girls to eat meals with us and not just snack all day long. I have been struggling to keep up with their food intake. Which is weird since Nastia wouldn't eat anything when she first got here. Now while meals are still sometimes problematic, she eats when she is bored, which seems to be all the time.
My thought was that if I could better control what they are eating at meal times and offer them one or two snacks a day, I could maybe stop them getting something every time they walk past the pantry, and save us a little money.

I thought I would try making some Russian foods this week to help the girls see that I am trying really hard to have them like the food I make.  Olena seems to have appreciated it. I am not sure about Nastia.

Is it wrong for me to feel annoyed that they miss someone that they have not spent any time with over the last 5 years or more? I understand that it's selfish for me to feel annoyed. I even fully understand why they miss him. But I can't help feeling annoyed that all the hard work and effort I am putting into making them feel a part of OUR family seems for nothing. I can't help but feel jealous and a little hurt that they miss this other person and are taking it out on me, someone that has only ever loved them and wanted and worked really hard to help them be happy.
My biggest desire is to have these girls sealed to us forever. But my biggest fear is that because they are still so attached to their other family, that they will not make that choice. We knew that it was a huge possibility when we started this process, but I really hoped that since we have done everything that was asked of us by the Lord, that this one thing would work out. That all the hard work and emotional roller coaster rides would pay off in the end. I am still hopeful but I am also very scared that they will choose the family that left them alone over the family that desperately wants them.
Don't get me wrong, I don't ever expect that they will forget their other family. I would never want that. It is because of them that these girls are who they are. It is because of them that we even have them in our home. But, selfishly I still don't want the girls to choose them over us.

It sounds so much worse when I say it out loud. I feel like I am selfish little petulant child. I want, I want, I want!! These girls have already been through so much in their lives. I need to help them let go of the feelings that they have held on to for so long. I need to help them heal from the experiences that have made them so reserved and cut off. I need to remember that when they, especially Nastia, seem like they are mad at me, It isn't about what I have done at all. It is really her way of dealing with her own feelings. It is her way of hiding those feelings from everyone, especially me. Her sadness has nothing to do with me (well most of the time!) It is not a failure on my part. These memories they have are not a reflection on me and they are nothing for me to be worried about.

I found this beautiful song that made me think of the girls. I am sure to some degree or another this is exactly how they are feeling.

My arms will continue to say yes to these girls no matter how many times they say no to me. I hope and pray that at some point I will be able to help them let go, so they can feel the love of their family.