Difference

Sometimes I have to remind myself (or be reminded by my much smarter husband) how very different our new daughters lives were before they came to our family. I forget that they have seen and experienced things that some adults here, have never, or will never experience. They have seen things that a child should never see.
I think a big part of me had hoped that wasn't the case for my girls. That somehow they had ended up in the orphanage because of some terrible mistake. That their lives before they were taken away weren't as terrible as all of the stories you hear about orphans. But those hopes are dashed, and my heart literally breaks for them, each time I get them to open up a little about some kind of memory from before they were mine.

I never realized, and maybe I will never know entirely, how very different things were for them. It's hard to fully comprehend how, what feels like something trivial to me, like raising my voice at my husband when I am frustrated with him, can so easily trigger a horrible, painful memory for them. The worst part is I don't yet know, (and again I may never know all of them) what those triggers are.
I wish that I could take away these memories, take away all their pain and suffering. I wish that I could go back and stop them from having to go through these experiences.  But, of course that is impossible. Life doesn't work that way. I can't fix what happened. I can't change it. I can only help them deal with it and move on.
For now, I need to be aware of them, pay attention, as closely as I can, to their behaviors and reactions to situations and hope and pray that they will open up to me when something is wrong. But mostly I need to reassure them, as well as my other kids, that they are loved beyond measure. That we know that they are meant to be here with us. I know this without any doubt. I only hope that I am strong enough to help them through their sad memories and help them create happier ones from here on out. 

Get It Right

"What have I done?, I wish I could run, Away from his ship going under.
Just trying to help, hurt everyone else. Now I feel the weight of the world is on my shoulders.
What can you do when your good isn't good enough, and all that you touch tumbles down? Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things, I just want to fix it somehow. But how many times will it take for me to get it right?"

I am going to share a little secret with all of you. I am someone that has never had a lot of confidence in my abilities to do, well anything.
We were so blessed to be able to find ways to pay for our adoption, but it has left us with some obvious debt. I took my job at the start of the school year for a couple of different reasons. Firstly, I really thought it would be fun for me to not be stuck at home when all my kids were at school. I knew I would find myself feeling a little stir crazy, so I decided that this would be a great way to counteract that before it even began. I also took the job so that I could help a little with paying off the loan that we got for our adoption. I feel like it was such a blessing to be able to so easily find a job after not working for 15 years. And, I absolutely LOVE it. I Love to work with the kids around the district, and shockingly, I actually feel like I am good at this job. It makes me feel good about myself, and I feel appreciated, which for a stay at home mom, is kind of a rarity.

This past week has been extremely hard on me. I truly feel like I am in a ship that is going under. I feel like, while I set out to do something for myself, for the first time in a while, I have taken on too much. And I now feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. My best really isn't good enough, and I just keep making a mess of everything.
I really thought that I could handle it all, but it turns out that I actually can't. I have done some very deep thinking and pondering about what I want. But it was a comment made by Mike yesterday that really made me re-think everything. He told me that "I am not any fun anymore. I am always so stressed and he hasn't seen me smile in a while."  I decided that I don't want to be that person. I don't want to be that kind of wife and mother. I like being the fun one :)
I had put off praying about it, (because I think I already knew what that answer would be) until today, and I was right.
I can't be the kind of mother I need to be at the moment if I am also working. My good will never be good enough if I am spreading myself too thin. At the moment that is exactly what I am doing.

I hate the idea of quitting my job for so many different reasons. The biggest one is just the idea of quitting when life gets hard. I am constantly trying so hard to teach each one of my kids to not do just that. What kind of example am I setting for them?!
I also feel like I have quit so many things in my life, I didn't want this to be another thing to add to that list.
I also just really like doing this job. I like feeling like I am good at something. I like being appreciated by my co-workers and by the kids I see. I have built up a relationship with each one of them and I hate to lose that.

But in order for me to get things right with my kids, I need to put aside my needs for just a little bit longer. I need to focus on them and their needs and be the best mom I can be. Maybe I can do this job again in a couple of years when things have settled down in my crazy mad house.

"I will throw up my fists, throw a punch in the air, and accept the truth that sometimes life isn't fair."
Sometimes life isn't fair and sometimes you have to put aside the things you want, 

 to get things right.  

I want this job, BUT my kids are more important than a job, and how they turn out is what I need to get right. So hopefully one day they will think (and so will I) that my good was good enough.

Some Maurin Family Updates

(This blog post was written a very long time ago. I just hadn't had a chance until now to post pictures. So i have updated a few things with progress we have made)

 It seems like forever since I have been able to sit and blog. I am sure that no one really cares what is going on with our crazy family anymore, but I am going to try to update frequently just for my own benefit.
The summer ended and our life got nuts.
The girls were baptized August 3rd and it was a beautiful day. We had many friends and family attend and  we were all so grateful for the support that they all showed to us. The girls were glowing and happy and it was a really great day.The YW (all that could come) sang a beautiful musical number during the baptism. The girls had got to know each of them a little better during girls camp, a few days before their baptism.

Miranda was accepted into Pioneer High School for the performing arts and decided that she would like to attend. No big deal, right?! Accept the school is in a 30 minute drive from our house. Still we decided that this would be a wonderful opportunity for her and that she would love it, so we made some sacrifices and adjustments to the budget and worked out a way to get her to and from school each day. Unfortunately this makes for an even busier afternoon for me! (It seems to be working out really well and the school is a perfect fit for her. I am so happy that the hard work and effort is paying off for her)

Everyone else started school (including Carter) a few days after Miranda and then life really took off. You would think that I would be jumping for joy because I would have a few hours to myself. Well I was until I was offered  a job working for the school district. I thought, "Hey I have no kids at home anymore I could work during school hours and be home when they are and it will be great!" Well I was right, but I didn't expect it to be as hard as it has been. I neglected to take into consideration that there would hours of extra time spent helping the girls understand and doing their homework each day. While also trying to find time to help the other 3 and do laundry, cook dinner and generally take care of the chores that I would normally do during the day. Needless to say, my house is falling apart. I am constantly embarrassed whenever anyone comes to my house because I am either to busy to pick stuff up or I am to exhausted to do it. Luckily for me, I don't get too many visitors. Lets hope I can figure out how to fix the mess. (The kids are helping with their chores each day and have been really good about it, but it just doesn't seem to be enough! So if you happen to come by, no judging, i am trying :) )

School has been interesting. When I enrolled the girls in school I specifically asked to have them tested, but the Councillor said they would put them in normal classes and see how they do. I was a little worried about how Nastia would handle that and it turns out I was right to be (shocking, I know). I mentioned that it takes literally hours to get homework done with them both, I wasn't kidding. I am learning that their may be more struggles to come with one of the girls and I am hopeful each day that I am up to the task. I am not used to having to work so hard to have my kids understand any given topic. I am not sure I am equipped but I am doing the best I can for her. I am hoping that the school will get their testing done for her so that she can be put in appropriate classes. She is constantly feeling like a failure, and that is making it really difficult to have her want to be at school at all. This could be a very long year! (update from when I wrote this, Nastia is still struggling with a lot for things but the school as been wonderfully helpful. Each of her teachers has put together a plan to make sure she can succeed in their class. They all recognize what abilities she has and what she still needs work on and are willing to do what they can to help her feel good about school. I feel very blessed to have her at a school that is so willing to work with her. Funnily enough the Dean of students speaks Russian and they also have a Math tutor that works with her 3 times a week that speaks Russian. I guess they were meant to be at this school!)

Two weekends ago on September 7th we had the privileged of having our daughters sealed to us for Eternity. It was such a beautiful day and the spirit was so strong. I had been worried about whether the girls would want to be sealed to us or whether the would feel like it was betraying their other family. I was pleasantly surprised by the response we got when we asked them if they wanted to. Olena very matter of factually said "Why wouldn't I, you're my parents!" Nastia wasn't quite so exuberant about it but happily agreed.
During the sealing our sealer mentioned something about how angels were in attendance. A friend of mine, one of my neighbors told us later that "she felt very strongly during that moment that the girls parents were in attendance and that they were pleased with their decision and that they were in the right place." After hearing that I of course lost it and felt such a huge relief that they were pleased with the girls choice to be sealed to us. It made an already fabulous day, full of smiles, Even Better. Thank you to every one of my friends that came and supported our family. It meant so much to us to have you all there.

The missionaries that taught the girls were able to be in the sealing with us. So special for them and us :) As well as some of my closest friends. 

I love the colors in the picture. You can see our real personalities in pictures like these :)

 

We went out to lunch after the sealing with some friends and the missionaries.

The kids had a water fight after we got home, but Nastia wouldn't participate.

Our forever family!