Get It Right

"What have I done?, I wish I could run, Away from his ship going under.
Just trying to help, hurt everyone else. Now I feel the weight of the world is on my shoulders.
What can you do when your good isn't good enough, and all that you touch tumbles down? Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things, I just want to fix it somehow. But how many times will it take for me to get it right?"

I am going to share a little secret with all of you. I am someone that has never had a lot of confidence in my abilities to do, well anything.
We were so blessed to be able to find ways to pay for our adoption, but it has left us with some obvious debt. I took my job at the start of the school year for a couple of different reasons. Firstly, I really thought it would be fun for me to not be stuck at home when all my kids were at school. I knew I would find myself feeling a little stir crazy, so I decided that this would be a great way to counteract that before it even began. I also took the job so that I could help a little with paying off the loan that we got for our adoption. I feel like it was such a blessing to be able to so easily find a job after not working for 15 years. And, I absolutely LOVE it. I Love to work with the kids around the district, and shockingly, I actually feel like I am good at this job. It makes me feel good about myself, and I feel appreciated, which for a stay at home mom, is kind of a rarity.

This past week has been extremely hard on me. I truly feel like I am in a ship that is going under. I feel like, while I set out to do something for myself, for the first time in a while, I have taken on too much. And I now feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. My best really isn't good enough, and I just keep making a mess of everything.
I really thought that I could handle it all, but it turns out that I actually can't. I have done some very deep thinking and pondering about what I want. But it was a comment made by Mike yesterday that really made me re-think everything. He told me that "I am not any fun anymore. I am always so stressed and he hasn't seen me smile in a while."  I decided that I don't want to be that person. I don't want to be that kind of wife and mother. I like being the fun one :)
I had put off praying about it, (because I think I already knew what that answer would be) until today, and I was right.
I can't be the kind of mother I need to be at the moment if I am also working. My good will never be good enough if I am spreading myself too thin. At the moment that is exactly what I am doing.

I hate the idea of quitting my job for so many different reasons. The biggest one is just the idea of quitting when life gets hard. I am constantly trying so hard to teach each one of my kids to not do just that. What kind of example am I setting for them?!
I also feel like I have quit so many things in my life, I didn't want this to be another thing to add to that list.
I also just really like doing this job. I like feeling like I am good at something. I like being appreciated by my co-workers and by the kids I see. I have built up a relationship with each one of them and I hate to lose that.

But in order for me to get things right with my kids, I need to put aside my needs for just a little bit longer. I need to focus on them and their needs and be the best mom I can be. Maybe I can do this job again in a couple of years when things have settled down in my crazy mad house.

"I will throw up my fists, throw a punch in the air, and accept the truth that sometimes life isn't fair."
Sometimes life isn't fair and sometimes you have to put aside the things you want, 

 to get things right.  

I want this job, BUT my kids are more important than a job, and how they turn out is what I need to get right. So hopefully one day they will think (and so will I) that my good was good enough.