Sometimes I have to remind myself (or be reminded by my much smarter husband) how very different our new daughters lives were before they came to our family. I forget that they have seen and experienced things that some adults here, have never, or will never experience. They have seen things that a child should never see.
I think a big part of me had hoped that wasn't the case for my girls. That somehow they had ended up in the orphanage because of some terrible mistake. That their lives before they were taken away weren't as terrible as all of the stories you hear about orphans. But those hopes are dashed, and my heart literally breaks for them, each time I get them to open up a little about some kind of memory from before they were mine.
I never realized, and maybe I will never know entirely, how very different things were for them. It's hard to fully comprehend how, what feels like something trivial to me, like raising my voice at my husband when I am frustrated with him, can so easily trigger a horrible, painful memory for them. The worst part is I don't yet know, (and again I may never know all of them) what those triggers are.
I wish that I could take away these memories, take away all their pain and suffering. I wish that I could go back and stop them from having to go through these experiences. But, of course that is impossible. Life doesn't work that way. I can't fix what happened. I can't change it. I can only help them deal with it and move on.
For now, I need to be aware of them, pay attention, as closely as I can, to their behaviors and reactions to situations and hope and pray that they will open up to me when something is wrong. But mostly I need to reassure them, as well as my other kids, that they are loved beyond measure. That we know that they are meant to be here with us. I know this without any doubt. I only hope that I am strong enough to help them through their sad memories and help them create happier ones from here on out.
3 comments:
What a good mom you are to take notice & realize that so many things that we take for granted as 'ok' really paints a different picture for children who have witnessed terrible things.
I remember turning too quickly & my new daughter flinching & a lady next to me gave me the dirtiest look. I wanted to poke the lady in the eye.
I'm so happy for your family & your daughters' new lives!
Those girls are so blessed that you were guided to them. I know you are inspired and I know Heavenly Father is helping you and them. You are simply amazing!
Wow, your girls are lucky to have someone that notices and takes it to heart even though you will probably never understand. You really are incredible!
Not related but... A few months ago I was feeling the same way about leaving my job. I had literally grown up there; graduated college, got married, bought a house, had a baby, etc. I had worked for him for 10 years before I quit and it was not as easy as I thought it would be. I was so excited to be a full time parent now, but it was hard to lose that part of myself. Not sure that it helps in your case because our situations are not the same but I feel good about my decision and so does my husband. I think he's relieved he doesn't have to hear my cry about day care, hehe! I am rambling, but my point is, I know that I am doing the right thing for this stage of our little lives right now and so are you!
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