Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Why is HOPE SO Hard right now?

HOPE is something that I always thought came easily to me. It was right up there with Faith. HOPE and Faith always seem to go hand in hand.
But lately I have realized that they don't come as naturally to me as I always thought. They both need to be worked on and nurtured, otherwise they can easily disappear.

It has been hard to sit by and watch while Nastia has lost HOPE in herself, in the treatment, in us and in life in general. It is heartbreaking for me as her mother, to hear her say things like "I just want to die, I don't care anymore."
It was our HOPE that during treatment she would be able to recognize, not just the things that are obvious to everyone around her (her eating disorder) but mostly the under lying issues that she struggles so deeply with.
We HOPED, all the while knowing that it would be slow progress because of all that she has to deal with,  that there would just be progress in the right direction.
We HOPED that she would be home by now.
But as many of you know, life doesn't often work out the way we HOPE it would.

She is still there. She is purging all the time. She even started refusing to eat at all again this weekend, she has lost ALL HOPE. So today I went with her to the hospital to have an NJ tube placed. If you are unaware of what and NJ tube is, I will explain.

NJ (Naso Jejunal): Runs from the nose to the intestines 
This type of feeding tube was placed non surgically, but because it runs into her intestines and not her stomach, it had to be done in the hospital. 

She was given this kind of tube to try and eliminate her throwing up the food that she is fed through it.
While I am unsure that I believe there is anything physiologically wrong with her, The center is trying to eliminate all reasons that she might be throwing up, and I appreciate that.  I am trying to be HOPEFUL that this will help settle her stomach and help eliminate her need to throw up, but my HOPE is diminishing.

I know that my trials aren't as hard as many of yours. I know of a friends brother that has just been told he has stage 4 Melanoma. He has a beautiful wife and 3 little kids. I don't know what his outcome will be, and stories like his make me feel very guilty for being so frustrated with my own trials.

I just never imagined when I set out on our journey that it would go this way. Maybe that was naive of me. But while I knew it was going to be hard, I didn't imagine this. I didn't imagine I would feel like, I don't know if there is any real way of helping her.
As a parent all I want is to provide a good life for my kids. I want them, more then anything else, to feel loved. Nastia won't let me do that, she won't let me love her, and that is the hardest thing for me.

So if you feel so inclined, please pray for her that she will find some HOPE in her situation. Because without it, she will not allow any of us to help her.  Pray that she will allow us to Love her and that she will be able to recognize that love. And lastly pray that I might find some Hope and Peace as well.
Thank you