This week I have been trying a little harder to be more organized, especially with meals. I have never been very good at this particular thing but i am trying to get the girls to eat meals with us and not just snack all day long. I have been struggling to keep up with their food intake. Which is weird since Nastia wouldn't eat anything when she first got here. Now while meals are still sometimes problematic, she eats when she is bored, which seems to be all the time.
My thought was that if I could better control what they are eating at meal times and offer them one or two snacks a day, I could maybe stop them getting something every time they walk past the pantry, and save us a little money.
I thought I would try making some Russian foods this week to help the girls see that I am trying really hard to have them like the food I make. Olena seems to have appreciated it. I am not sure about Nastia.
Is it wrong for me to feel annoyed that they miss someone that they have not spent any time with over the last 5 years or more? I understand that it's selfish for me to feel annoyed. I even fully understand why they miss him. But I can't help feeling annoyed that all the hard work and effort I am putting into making them feel a part of OUR family seems for nothing. I can't help but feel jealous and a little hurt that they miss this other person and are taking it out on me, someone that has only ever loved them and wanted and worked really hard to help them be happy.
My biggest desire is to have these girls sealed to us forever. But my biggest fear is that because they are still so attached to their other family, that they will not make that choice. We knew that it was a huge possibility when we started this process, but I really hoped that since we have done everything that was asked of us by the Lord, that this one thing would work out. That all the hard work and emotional roller coaster rides would pay off in the end. I am still hopeful but I am also very scared that they will choose the family that left them alone over the family that desperately wants them.
Don't get me wrong, I don't ever expect that they will forget their other family. I would never want that. It is because of them that these girls are who they are. It is because of them that we even have them in our home. But, selfishly I still don't want the girls to choose them over us.
It sounds so much worse when I say it out loud. I feel like I am selfish little petulant child. I want, I want, I want!! These girls have already been through so much in their lives. I need to help them let go of the feelings that they have held on to for so long. I need to help them heal from the experiences that have made them so reserved and cut off. I need to remember that when they, especially Nastia, seem like they are mad at me, It isn't about what I have done at all. It is really her way of dealing with her own feelings. It is her way of hiding those feelings from everyone, especially me. Her sadness has nothing to do with me (well most of the time!) It is not a failure on my part. These memories they have are not a reflection on me and they are nothing for me to be worried about.
I found this beautiful song that made me think of the girls. I am sure to some degree or another this is exactly how they are feeling.
My arms will continue to say yes to these girls no matter how many times they say no to me. I hope and pray that at some point I will be able to help them let go, so they can feel the love of their family.
Today was Carters kindergarten graduation. Its hard to believe that he is my last kindergartener. I NEVER have to do that again! I am a little sad about it, but also rejoicing quietly. I started tearing up a little during the last song of the program, at the thought that he was growing up. But then the reality, the fact that he has never really acted like a baby, ever, hit me and I just laughed at the funny things he was doing!
He has been ready for full day school for a very long time and I am excited for a little me time next school year. I am not sure exactly what I will do with myself. Kind of a funny feeling knowing that all my kids, including the new ones, will be in school all day. I guess I am feeling old. But I don't want to feel old. I will just have to find ways to keep myself busy. Oh wait I already have a bunch of stuff to keep me busy. Laundry for 6 kids is enough to never have to find things to do again :( Oh well, maybe nothing will really change at all!
waiting not so patiently for it to start!
walking in
singing his heart out
I have to say a big THANK YOU to Carters AMAZING teacher Mrs Mina Money. She was so wonderful and put up with his craziness and antics and loved him anyway. She was even able to get him to sit still long enough to actually learn stuff. :) She is one of the best teachers around. I can't say enough good things about her. I wish you could all have your kids have teachers that love their job and love your kids, like her. Thank you Mina for your amazing work with our kids this year.
After graduation we decided to decorate cookies we had made yesterday. I am not sure if the girls had ever done it before. Nastia was a little hesitant and only did a couple, but Olena jumped right in and made some masterpieces.
busy decorating
some of the finished cookies
more finished cookies
Olena working hard
We are still plodding along trying to make headway with English. I am looking more deeply into putting the girls in the Jr High next year so we can take advantage of the ESL program that's available. They are very good at taking the lessons I tell them too, but are a lot more reluctant to actually use what they have learned. I have tried to find motivation for them to speak more English, but I am still struggling to get them, especially Nastia, to use what they learn on a daily basis. I decided if they were in a classroom setting with someone other then me telling them to speak English, they may be more inclined to actually start using it more. I am even looking into whether they have a summer program they can participate in. I will keep you all posted, on my progress.
Nastia participated in her first track meet ever, yesterday. It was fun to watch her run. She ran her heart out and smiled the whole time. She took 3rd in the 100m and 4th in 400m. She also threw Javelin (it was a really short one that the little kids could use) 40.3 feet. I am hopeful that she enjoyed herself and will want to continue to practice and get better. It was a little bit of organized chaos, but I think I got the hang of how it all works by the end. I'll be a pro by the end of summer.
finishing the 400m. I know it looks like she was all alone, but there was someone just in front of her and another a little ways behind her
I forgot to tell you all about Mirandas recent performance as Puck in Midsummer nights dream. She was amazing. Miranda had been unhappy to play a, what she considered, Male part. But after practicing and seeing what a great character it is, she changed her mind. She really is a wonderful little actress. I was blown away by the talent that some of these kids had. The production was very low budget, an all jr high age kids. But they were outstanding. I laughed and laughed. If I get a hold of the video I will post a little of it, but here are some pictures.
This boy in the stripy poncho, his name is Joe and he played Bottom. He was HILARIOUS!!
With Mothers Day approaching I have been pondering a little about motherhood.
I believe that motherhood is the greatest calling in the world. It is the hardest job you could ever have, but it comes with the greatest rewards.
I love this little clip. It helps me remember that I am not meant to be like anyone else. I am me!
I am my children's mother and I AM ENOUGH just the way I am! And you are too.
I can't help but think about the girls biological mother during this holiday. I wonder what she would want for them, and what dreams she had for them. I wonder if they are thinking of her. While I believe very strongly that these girls were meant to be my children, it saddens me to think that they had to pass through such sadness and loss to make it to our family. I am sure that their bio mom did not plan to miss out on their lives. I am sure that if given the choice, she would choose to be around to see them grow up. I am sure that when she carried them, she had dreams about what their lives would be like. I am also sure that she is watching over them this mothers day, and I am hopeful that she will be happy with the new path that their lives have taken. I am hopeful that I can be the kind of mother that she would be happy to give her children too. I hope that one day I will be able to hug her tight and thank her for the beautiful girls she gave birth too.
I echo the words of another adoptive mother on this blog post. Thank you Mariya for loving our daughters!
I love each one of my children and I am grateful to my Heavenly Father for allowing me to be their mother. Without each one of their sweet spirits, my life would be so much less loving, exciting, annoying, tiresome, and just plain enjoyable. My children keep me young. They keep me on track. They remind me all the time when I make mistakes and I love them for that. They are the little flecks of gold that make my life worth living.
I am grateful to my own mother, for her selfless service to me. My mother was and is, always willing to serve her children. My mum dedicated her life to being the best mother she could be. Her sacrifice and love has helped me understand what it takes to be a good mother. While I know I will never be as good a house wife as she was/is, I am always trying. Because of her, I understand that taking care of my family isn't a job it's an act of service. I am grateful to her for her love and support, her testimony and advice, her patience and kindness and most especially her example. Thank you mum for all that you are.
I am grateful to all of my friends for being the kind of Mothers that I look up to. While I understand that I should not 'covet my friends mothering styles', I am grateful to each one of you for your example to me. Without each of you and your advice and support, I wouldn't be who I am, and parenting 6 kids, would be a a whole lot harder. So Thank you.
"Motherhood is never a perfect fantasy life, it's real". It's hard. It has it's challenges no matter how your children come to you. I am so grateful to have the opportunity in this life to be a mother. I will take the challenges and trials that come with this wonderful job, and I wouldn't change them. It's what life is all about.
I'll be honest, telling people how I really feel, isn't the easiest things for me to do. It makes me feel very vulnerable. But I have no other outlet so I am going to use this mostly for my benefit. I need to vent. I don't need judgement, I just need to get out my pent up feelings. So please excuse the fact that it probably won't make a lot of sense!
I knew going in to this process, life would change. I knew that things wouldn't be easy. I knew that there would be difficulties, that while I thought I was mostly prepared, after speaking with other adoptive parents and my Bishop, I knew things would still come up, that I wasn't prepared for. I knew that there would be feelings of inadequacy. I knew that me, being me, would just struggle with the adjustment, probably just as much as the girls did, and I knew that my other children, would probably fight the change to their family status at some point. I knew all of that and still decided to follow the Lords path for u,s and adopt not just the one we had planned for, but another just because we knew we should. I KNEW, but still did it.
That being said, things haven't been terrible. We have had upsets and frustrations and sassy little 8 year olds! But nothing worse than expected.
What I didn't expect and what has thrown me for a loop, is the emotional roller coaster I have personally been on since arriving home with the girls.
If you don't know me well, I am an emotional person in general. I can cry at commercials, or at a compliment given to me. I cry, it's what I do. So imagine my surprise, when even I am confused at how on edge I am all the time.
I am constantly feeling like I could cry at any minute. I feel like I am trying to make sure that everyone is happy all the time. I know that is an impossible task, even in a normal family situation. But I am trying. I want my new children to feel like this is there home and its a great place to live. I want them to want to be here and and no where else. I also want my other children to see that nothing has changed for them, even though in reality, everything has changed.
I want to find foods that everyone will eat. This is a constant everyday battle that most days leaves me with a feeling that I am the worst cook in the world, and cannot, no matter how hard I try please everyone.
I am still trying to get caught up on laundry and cleaning from when I was away. Something that is causing me a lot of anxiety, and stress.
I am constantly fighting feelings of inadequacy, that were already present before this journey, only to be made worse by it, and by the knowledge that there are people in my own family that think I am incapable of dealing with this new life change.
Everyday, I am trying to encourage the girls to make new friends and try new things and speak a new language, that I have no idea how to teach them. I try so hard to please everyone and keep the peace and go and go and go. It is exhausting. Life is exhausting physically, but mostly mentally.
On top of all that, the one thing that has kept me sane up till this point, running, has been taken away. Mike got new job, (such a blessing) but he has to leave so early in the morning to commute to this new job that our running together has become non existent. We keep making plans to get up and go before he leaves but the reality of life sets in and getting up at 4.30am to run is really just not something that I feel like we can do for more then 1 day. Running in the evening was going to be the plan but, when he gets home from work, eats dinner (that no one really likes) and spends some time with the kids before they go to bed, he is exhausted and I am spent and we both fall asleep on the couch, before we drag our tired sorry selves to bed to start all over again.
So every few days, I wake up and feel, even before the day has really started, that I am not sure how to keep going. I cry and feel sorry for myself and then do my best to pull myself together and keep going.
Maybe those nay sayers are right about me. Maybe I don't have what it takes to parent 6 children. Maybe taking on 2 teenage girls, with their own set of issues, and no real understanding of the English language, really was too much for this emotional girl to take on. Maybe I will never get my house to look tidy like my mothers did when I was growing up (she had 10 kids and a spotless house). Maybe I am the worst cook in the world. Maybe my kids will never think that this is the greatest place to live or the best family ever. And, maybe that's OKAY!
I decided today to read my copy of the talk given by Dieter F Uchtdorf entitled Forget me not. In this talk he points out 5 things I am working on remembering, but would do us all good to remember. I wanted to share them with you.
"1. Forget not to be patient with yourself. God is fully aware that you and I are not perfect. Let me add: God is also fully aware that the people you think are perfect are not. And yet we spend so much time and energy comparing ourselves to others- usually comparing our weaknesses to their strengths. This drives us to create expectations for ourselves that are impossible to meet. As a result we never celebrate our good efforts because they seem to be less than what someone else does (this is so me!) Dear sisters many of you are endlessly compassionate and patient with the weaknesses of others. Please remember to also be compassionate and patient with yourself. Be thankful for the small successes in your home, your family relationships, your education and livelihood, your church participation and personal improvement. These successes may seem tiny to you and may go unnoticed by others, but God notices them and they are not small to him. If you consider success to be only the most perfect rose or dazzling orchid, you may miss some of life's sweetest experiences." 2. Forget not the difference between a good sacrifice and a foolish sacrifice. "Our Heavenly Father is most pleased when we sacrifice something good for something far greater with an eternal perspective." 3.Forget not to be Happy now! "The happiest people I know are not those who find their golden ticket; they are those who, while in pursuit of worthy goals, discover and treasure the beauty and sweetness of the everyday moments. They are the ones who, thread by daily thread, weave a tapestry of gratitude and wonder throughout their lives. These are they who are truly happy." 4. Forget not the why of the Gospel "Seek out the majesty, the beauty, and the exhilarating joy of the why of the gospel of Jesus Christ. The what and the how of obedience mark the way and keep us on the right path. The why of obedience sanctifies our actions transforming the mundane into the majestic. It magnifies our small acts of obedience into holy acts of consecration. " 5. Forget not that the Lord loves you. " You are not forgotten. Wherever you are, whatever your circumstances may be, you are not forgotten. No matter how dark your days may seem, no matter how insignificant you may feel, no matter how overshadowed you think you may be, Your Heavenly Father has not forgotten you. In fact he loves you with an infinite love. You are destined for more than you can possibly imagine!"
This is an amazing talk that if you haven't heard it please take a moment to listen to it below. If you have heard it but not for a while listen again. It will change the way you view yourself and your life. It has for me.
I know that I will never fully feel like I was prepared to take on this challenge. I know that a small part of me will always wonder if what we chose was really what was best for us. I know that I will always struggle with feelings of inadequacy. But I also know that The Lord knows me better than I know myself. HE KNOWS that I am capable of this challenge, no matter how hard it gets. HE KNOWS that while everyday may be a struggle, that I have the strength to get through it. HE KNOWS that we took the path that he set for us and so I KNOW, that he will be right there with us as we journey along it.
I am not saying that I suddenly feel like this is easy and there will be no problems ahead. I am just saying that I know that my Heavenly Father recognizes the struggles I have and will help me get through them as a stronger person. I am hopeful that things will begin to get easier for us, but I will not expect it! :)
Life isn't meant to be easy, but it is meant to be worth the struggles we go through. And it is!
