Just be you, it is enough!

Last night I was walking around Deseret Book and came across a sign that they had there, that really made me think. They have many signs there that I want to bring home and hang on my wall, for all different reasons but mostly because they are inspirational. This one however just stuck with me. It read:

Just be you! It is enough. 

I am not exactly sure why this one stuck with me when there were so many other beautiful ones. It could be because I was having a rough day and right then I was struggling with feeling inadequate as a mother and wife. This is a feeling that I have frequently and I am almost positive that as horrible as it is, I am not alone. But when I read the sign, I just stood there for a while and stared at it. Even after I walked away, I came back a couple more times to just read it again and let it sink in.

How many times in life do we allow ourselves to think that we are not enough. I do it all the time. Satan wants us to feel like this because it is an easy way to get to us. He wants us all to feel terrible about who we are. He wants us to look at others and compare ourselves to them and always find ourselves lacking.
This is something that I have struggled with my entire life. I don't tell you this because I want any praise, I say it because I was truly touched by these few words and I wanted you to know why.

I know that I am loved and I know that I do the very best I can do in all aspects of my life. But still I don't feel like I am enough. Why?

During the same visit to Deseret Book last night I also found a CD that I actually purchased because of that sign. I wanted to help myself feel like I was enough by reminding myself why I am enough. My Heavenly Father loves me and sees me a very different way then I see myself. He sees me the way he wants me to see me. He knows the truth about me and all that I can do. In one of the songs it says " Do you understand who you are? Part of the Father lives in you." It continues with more beautiful words, but those are the ones that stuck out to me. I never thought about it that way. I Know I am a child of God, but have you ever thought that just like parts of each of your earthly parents are a part of your very being, so is your Heavenly Father! With that knowledge how can any of us feel unimportant or inadequate. We each possess immeasurable worth  in the eyes of the one person that matters the most, our Heavenly Father.

I am so grateful for this knowledge and even though i know that i will continue to struggle with these feelings probably my whole life, I do understand that I can JUST BE ME because IT IS ENOUGH!

GRRRRR

I am feeling very frustrated today with the thought process of people here in this country. Now I know that this is very generalized and there might be people that will agree with my point of view but I know that what I have to say will also annoy a lot of people as well.

So all of you that know my family will know that M has always been a very emotional girl. Her emotions in general rule her behavior. She has been working really hard to change this about her self and this year has been very successful. While she still has small outbursts she is able to quickly (usually) bring herself back in control. As the year has gone on she has made some great friends that have stood by her when she has struggled and stood up for her when she has been bullied. This has been a huge help to her and I am grateful to her friends for being there for her. That being said, M can still be very headstrong and easily frustrated which can be problematic. Which brings me to my story...

Yesterday at school she was playing a game of soccer/kickball with a group of friends and as she explained it to me they were all really good at sports so she wasn't able to kick the all very much. This frustrated her (she had been teased a lot yesterday by boys so her emotions were on edge anyway) , but she held it together. Recess ended and she hurriedly picked up the soccer ball to take it inside, I am sure this was in part because she was annoyed and didn't want them to play anymore. On the way up the ramp to the portable building her classroom is in the girls caught up with her and started tickling her as a way to get the ball. When they finally did get it M was more frustrated and stormed off into the classroom and slammed the door behind her. No big deal, right? Well I am still yet to figure out how this happened, but in the process of slamming the door a friend of hers got her face hurt. Now the door in question opens outwards, so for her to have been hurt by a slamming door her head would have to have been entering the doorway before the rest of her body and become stuck between the door and the doorway. Possible, sure, a little strange, yes!
The girl came in crying and told the teacher that she was hurt by the door that M had slammed. There was a lot of crying by both girls, M saying she didn't mean to hurt her, that it was an accident and the girls talked and were fine.
The teacher emailed me and told me what had happened, but that she thought that M hadn't meant to hurt anyone. Both the girls were okay with each other and she just wanted me to know what had happened.
M came home and without telling her what I was already knew I asked her about her day and if there was anything she needed to tell me. She told me the same things that her teacher had and we discussed that her actions regardless of whether or not she meant to hurt her caused consequences and that she needs to get her emotions under control. All the usual stuff!! Moving on...
Wrong. Today I get a phone call from the Principle to let me know that he heard about it and the girl that got hurt, her jaw might be fractured. The school insurance doesn't cover things like that and that someone from the school district or something like that, will be calling me to mediate between families for payment of medical expenses. I was getting upset at this point and told him what I was aware happened and he said that wasn't what he heard from M's teacher, and that he didn't want to flat out call her a liar but the stories didn't add up. I then told him that I didn't feel that it was right that I be made to pay for medical expenses if it was an accident. He just said he understood but couldn't get involved and that someone would be calling me to discuss it.
Here is what makes me so mad. Firstly why wouldn't the school insurance cover something like that? If in fact someone else should have to pay. It happened at school, shouldn't it be covered? Second, I guess because I am not from here, my thought is, if it was my child that was hurt it would be my responsibility to pay. But it seems like their first thought is someone else should pay! I am not yet sure if they will try and make me pay but that is the feeling i got from the principle and I am beyond mad about it. I understand that my daughter slammed the door and it is a heavy door. But it was an accident, there was no malice involved. How often do doors get slammed by kids? ALL THE TIME, it was just unlucky that this girl was hurt this time. I don't agree with her slamming the door and if she tried to slam doors here at home she would be in trouble, but the fact is kids slam doors. It's a way of showing frustration, which is usually harmless.
My concern is that the other parents will end up suing us. I don't have money to pay for medical expenses let alone court fees. Why are people so sue happy here? Why can't they see that their child might have been as much to blame for the circumstances behind the accident and just deal with it. Why does it always have to go further and point fingers and make life hard. Now if I thought that she had hurt this girl or anyone on purpose then I would definitely pay, I wouldn't even wait to be asked, I would offer to pay. But this was an accident.
Why can't life just be easy? Why can't we all get along?

The Joy Of Running

Isn't it funny how the very simplist of things can make you just giddy with joy? Well  I felt that this morning while I was running. It has been a long time since I ran outside. We, the Mr. and I got gym memberships a little over a year ago while i was training for my first Ragnar relay. It was getting really really cold outside and we couldn't train everyday in the snow and ice so decided it was time to try the treadmill. Since then we have become a little spoiled. While we ran outside during the summer we haven't yet attempted any running outside pretty much since then. It makes me laugh because before the gym we ran outside because we had to in weather as cold as 17 degrees F. Now we are too wussy to run if there is even a wind blowing, which honestly is all the time where we live.
Today was different. We, well I decided I wanted to try running outside again. It made me a little nervous, and I don't really know why. I think it might have been just the thought that I have to finish the predetermined distance and not quit somewhere along the way because I was feeling tired. It is so easy to do that on the treadmill! But outside, I knew i had to go until I got back home.
It was AMAZING. I was quite literally giddy with happiness and was grinning the whole time I was running. I even danced a little along the way and my husband had to ask me if I was doing the Phoebe run! (fans of friends will no what I am talking about!) It was just so much nicer to be outside in the fresh morning air enjoying the beauty around us. It was dark and I couldn't see much of that beauty, but I new it was there and that was enough for me! I am excited to be training for a few races this summer. I have no illusions about winning them. I am just excited to be able to be a part of them. It really gives me the motivation to get out of bed in the morning and experience this pure joy.
I feel very blessed to be able to have a body that allows me to run. It is so empowering and truly makes me feel better about everything. Life really is good :)
Oh and my device told me that we burned 4 oranges today :) I guess that is a little better.

My Pear Obsession

I am not afraid to admit that I am a little obsessive sometimes. One of the areas in my life where I have always been a little obsessive is with my body. Throughout my whole life, looking in a mirror was the worst part of my day. This hasn't really changed since I have been married and i am afraid that it probably never will. This is just a part of my personality that I need to learn to live with and do the best I can to not focus my energy on it.
My goal lately though is to lose 10 pounds. I know I should have a date I want to lose it by, to keep me motivated to do it. But, honestly if I could see even the slightest improvement on the scale each week I know that would be motivation enough to keep up all the hard work I feel like I am doing, for as long as it takes.
This week I came to the realization that part of my problem is that i don't consume enough calories for my metabolism to work right. I just don't really enjoy eating. So even though I am working my bum off I am unable to lose weight. I know that I don't always eat great, but I feel like I put enough work in, and something good should be happening.

SO, I found an app for my phone called Calorific and I am enjoying it. It is helping me keep track of my calories without having to weigh everything I eat, which lets be honest, unless you are on the biggest loser it isn't something that normal people do! Along with this app came a trial of another app that helps track calorie output. SO i decided to try it this morning when I went to the gym. It worked great and after 40 mins of hills on the stationary bike I hit end and it said:

"Congratulations you just burned 198 calories!! 198 calories = 2 pears!!!!!

REALLY!!! Could the stupid thing not tell me I just burned off a snickers bar, i think that would have made me feel like my hard work was at least worth something good!!! (plus I really burned about 270, maybe 3 pears!)
The Mr didn't understand why this was so upsetting to me. So I obsessed a little longer about it and then told my neighbors, who all totally agreed with me. I think that this train of thought might just be a girl thing, and that's okay.
As frustrated as I was by that (and I was truly upset, stupid I know!) I understand that it doesn't really mean anything. Yes, I want to lose weight and I will still work as hard as I can to reach my goal but the truth is I just feel better when I work out so I am going to continue to do it and work off as many pears as I can until I reach my goal.

Don't Sweat The Little Things!

So while I was running at the gym this morning, I was contemplating my body. I know, strange thing to think about while you run, and yes it wasn't very motivating! But I was watching lots of other people run, (people watching is really fun at the gym!) and they, unlike me were wearing running shorts without anything on under them. When i wear running shorts, like this morning, I am forced to wear compression shorts or leggings on underneath them so that when my shorts ride up they wont cause any chafing. What a horrible thing to have happen while you are trying to run a long way. I have had it happen and it makes running so unpleasant. So I take precautions by wearing the extra layer of clothing. The problem with this is that I am so much hotter then I should be. I am a fairly sweaty person anyway, and the extra layer of clothing just adds to my sweatiness.
So what I was contemplating was this - Will I ever be one of THOSE runners that has a body whose shorts don't ride up when they run? I am not sure i ever will be. Am I okay with that? Well, I am not sure, because I have always dreamed of having thighs that don't touch. When I was younger I would stand in front of the mirror and......... well maybe I shouldn't tell all my secrets!
I guess the real question is, will I let this small thing I don't like about my body be a reason to stop running, something that I now love to do? The answer is a big fat NO! There will always be things that i don't like about myself, always, because I am human. If I let these annoying things I don't like about myself, govern whether or not I did anything in life, I would be pretty unhappy all the time. That is not how I want to live. So, I am going to keep wearing my running shorts with whatever is necessary underneath them and continue to run. If you don't like to see my shorts ride up, then stop looking!!!
In the words of someone i don't remember "don't sweat the little things!" and i wont. (well at least I'll do my best not too :)

Why???

So today started out great. C even made a point of telling me that he was going to listen because he didn't want to get yelled at today. At least he tried!!
I was sitting in the office finishing up my blog writing for the day when I smelled something terrible. This particular smell can always be associated with my son. So I asked him if he had in fact pooped and if it was in his pants. He answered yes to both questions. GRRR. I have decided that growling at him doesn't do any good it just makes the situation worse, so ever so nicely I got up and went to talk with him about it. I checked and found out that he hasn't actually done anything more then the usual skids in his pants and he is sitting on the toilet. So everything should be okay, right? Wrong.
I have an uncanny sense of smell and of course I could still smell something. So I ask him, "C did you wipe the poop anywhere?" He look sheepishly up at me and says "yes". GRRRRR
I head into his room, because that is where it always is (yes, this has happened a few time before) and find smears on the carpet like he has skidded along the ground, like a dog, trying to clean himself. I growled a little, cause lets be honest who wouldn't and then ask him if it is anywhere else. He says yes again and points to his train table, which after finding the lovely decoration, I tell him that he will no longer have possession of.
WHY??? Why does he keep doing this?? What am i supposed to do with him?? I have tried all kinds of punishments and none seem to work for him. He says he understands that he shouldn't touch his poop, that it can in fact make him really sick and he knows that it is just gross for me to have to clean it up all the time. But while he is mad at his punishment, it doesn't seem to stop him doing the same thing over again.
He is a smart kid and he is also very independent. I think this is where he gets himself in to trouble all the time. But why can't he just get this!!!!
So what started out as a great morning has become this disgusting afternoon.
If you have any suggestions please let me know them. I am so tired of cleaning the poop smell out of his and T's room.

It's a hard knock life for us!

It's been a rough week.
The girls didn't get a part in Annie and were both pretty sad about it, although they did take it better than I thought they would.
C hasn't been making good choices and therefore my week has been hard and a little angry. What is it with this child that he thinks he is in charge of everything?
M and T both bought home progress reports that were less than stellar and now have extra work to fix them before the end of the term, which really equals more work for me!!
The good news is that it is only Thursday and the week could get a little better before it ends!

I have been trying to work off my frustration by working harder with my running. This also goes along with my no half assed theory. I have been to the gym everyday and I have pushed my runs a little harder than normal and I am enjoying my progress.

I also learned how to do a 5 stranded braid this week and have done it on both of the girls. It looks really cool and will upload a picture of it soon.