Please Forgive Me

I have been contemplating whether or not I should write these things down, but I decided that I needed to. So here goes.....
I want to start by saying that  I am FULLY aware that I chose this journey. I am also FULLY aware that life is hard for everyone.
That being said I want to apologize to all the people that I may have offended or made to feel like I have pushed aside in the last almost 3 years. It was not my intention to do that. I had no plans, (none of us ever do) to change who I was when we started this path. But life had other plans. I have realized lately that I am not at all the same person I was 3 years ago. There are of course times I see her, but mostly she is gone. Life experiences change us all. This one has changed me and all of my family dramatically. Somethings have changed for the better, others have not.

One of those NOT things is that I know I am not the kind of friend I used to be. Let me explain why that is. Please know I don't say these things as an excuse, just as an explanation.

I live each day paying for the mistakes of others. Adoption is a beautiful thing. But what people forget is that in order for there to be children available for adoption, especially these older children who desperately need families, there first has to be pain, trauma, death, or loss or all of the above.  If life was great for them before, they wouldn't have needed us!

It really is a privilege to parent these girls, and the magnitude of their loss and tragedy is not lost on me. But does it make living each day easier? Maybe it should, but for me, it doesn't.
I am an emotional being. If you know me well you already know this about me. I literally wear my emotions on my sleeve for the whole world to see. That in and of itself can make life hard. I take things and make them personal. For example, I am hurt and sad when I feel like someone doesn't like me. I want to understand why they don't and what can I do to change it.
I am NOT the person that hurt my girls. But, I AM the one that gets punished every day for that hurt. It's not meant. Most of the time it isn't even chosen. It just is.  And while I UNDERSTAND (i read the books and have been to therapy) the reasons for the actions, the emotions I feel because of the anger that is constantly thrown at me, are exhausting. Most of the time feel like my child doesn't like me at all. (remember I told you how I feel about that) Those emotions wear me down mentally and physically. They make it hard to deal with everything and everyone else. They cause me to fight with my husband, they cause the other kids to be angry and fight each other, they cause kids to fail classes at school. They create a viscous cycle that is really hard to break out of.
Throw in some brain damage, (Known as FASD, also caused by someone else), that my poor child doesn't understand but has to try to figure out, causing sever emotional distress, and you might get a small idea about life in our house.
These are the reason that I might not be the kind of friend I used to be. I have withdrawn from a lot of things. I stay in my house. I don't call or message people that maybe I should. I feel alone most of the time. I don't like it, but I am too exhausted to initiate contact and I am too embarrassed to have anyone over to my house because it is a constant mess (one more thing that gets lost in the cycle). I am just trying to survive. I am tired of people asking me how life is, and doing my best to smile and tell them it's great, because I am positive they don't really want to hear about how crappy life really is. I HATE being a Debbie Downer!!!! So I try instead to stay away. This is how I survive.
OF COURSE there are days when life is great. There are many. I promise.
But, there are more lately when it's a struggle to get the kids out the door for school and those same days I'm dreading what it will be like when they come home again.

You're probably asking if I could go back would I do it again? The answer is a resounding yes! I have learned so many things about myself, about what I am capable of and things I very much need to work on. Also I have learned that sometimes the refiners fire isn't just about us. 
I KNOW with all my being that the Lord sent Olena to us so we would in turn find Nastia. He knew we could do this and that these girls are supposed to be here with us. Those are the feelings that keep me going on the terrible days. They have uprooted our lives, mostly mine, but I still know they are supposed to be here.
I am going to continue to fight everyday. I am just asking for some understanding. Please forgive the fact that I am not a good friend. One day I hope to be again. But for now, please overlook it and still be my friend anyway. I have lost many friends that I thought were close friends. I am lonely (and so are my kids) and my family is far away. I need friends even when I am not good at being there for you. I promise I will be again, one day, hopefully soon :). Just don't judge me for having a messy house or if my lawn isn't mowed enough or there are weeds in my garden or toys all over my front lawn or for being the ghetto house and bringing down house prices in the neighborhood or for being late for church every Sunday, or frequently not making it at all. Because there are things going on that you don't understand that we are all trying hard to deal with.