It's Not Easy, But it's Not Meant To Be

"Failure is natures plan to prepare you for great responsibilities.
-Napoleon Hill.
And you should prepare to fail repeatedly. This process is not going to be easy and it is not meant to be."
-Dr Tom, Being Erica

 

 I like to watch T.V while I fold laundry or if I need a break from everything. I like to find a way to break away from the stress of my own life and focus on someone elses. I know that the stories of these people that I am watching are not real (usually) and that actually allows me to enjoy it even more. I am taken away, just for a brief time, to a place where the troubles are not my own. I am allowed to not focus on what is going on with me and what I could be doing better. For that reason I am grateful to the producers and directors of many T.V shows and movies.

 I know that probably makes me sound like my life is horrible. Let me first say that it is not. I struggle, yes. But My life is not horrible. It is just normal, with normal ups and downs.I try very hard to stay positive but sometimes I fail at that. 

Lately it seems to me and probably to anyone that reads my blog, that I struggle more then most and that I have taken on more then I can handle. But logically I know that is not an accurate statement. I know that I struggle the same as anyone else, just with different things. My struggles are not your struggles, but we each have struggles. I, like most women, (or so I am told), judge my weaknesses harshly against others strengths. So, in my very earthly eyes, I fail ALL THE TIME! So imagine my surprise when yesterday, while I was watching a show that I LOVE (Being Erica) the therapist mentioned the quote above. I listened and imagined he was talking to me, instead of Erica. I should prepare to FAIL REPEATEDLY!! I thought, "how do I prepare to fail?" I hate to fail. In fact I hate it so much that I usually choose to not participate in something that I think I might fail at, because I am so afraid of failure. I constantly tell myself, and honestly believe, that I am not good enough for many things, so I don't even try them. Silly right?! Well not to me :)  To me, it makes perfect sense.
 

The idea that failure is part of my life's plan scares me. Yet I am constantly telling my kids something along these lines. I just don't want it to be part of my own plan. Life isn't meant to be easy. We have each been taught that lesson since we were children. But I am still having trouble with the concept. :)
 

I knew going into, not just the adoption process, but parenting in general, that things would be tough. I knew that I wouldn't be the best parent all the time, and that life would be hard sometimes. But I didn't let it stop me. I KNEW that I was meant to be a parent. I KNEW that Mike and I were meant to adopt these girls. I KNEW that we had followed the plan that our Heavenly Father had for us. I KNEW that this entire process was going to test me, but that through those tests I would be made better. I KNEW that it was going to be HARD. I KNEW and I didn't let it stop me. 

 

Knowing what you know about my complete fear of failing and my avoidance of anything that I feel I could fail at, doesn't it surprise you that I went through with it? When I look back, honestly, it surprises me. 

But, honestly, while I knew all the things about what could happen, I HOPED and probably to some degree, believed, that we would be the exception to the rule about adopting teens. I think, I believed that the girls would come home and magically they would know that they were in a better place. They would be so grateful to me, as their new mother, for rescuing them from their horrible orphanages and bringing them to a beautiful place with so many opportunities for their new life, that they would just love me unconditionally.     They wouldn't rebel and they wouldn't be sad all the time. They wouldn't miss the place and the people that didn't take care of them properly. They would just want to be here with their new family and everything would be amazing. I was wrong. I am not surprised that I now feel like I am failing. But that is not reality. These girls have been through things that I wouldn't wish on anyone. I can't expect them to forget everything and live a fantasy life, just because it is what I hoped for. 

This process is not going to be easy, and it's not meant to be. Life isn't meant to be a fantasy. It's just life. We are here to learn and grow and to be tried and tested along that journey. I have been given a great responsibility. I am the mother of 6 amazing children. All of which come with their own kinds of difficulties. We are here to learn and grow together. I have to remember that my failures do not make me a bad person. I need to change the way I view myself. I might feel like I am failing my children, but in reality, I am not. They are doing well despite my inability to keep my house tidy all the time. 

I have to be honest. Lately I have really struggled trying to bond with Nastia. I try and try and try to show her that I love her. I try and try to tell myself that she will love me. But the frequent rejection is very hard on me. I feel like nothing I try to do is ever going to make a difference with her. Remember when I said I feel like a failure. This is a big part of it. My first instinct is to run away and not try anymore. That way I can't continue to fail at this bonding thing. But that isn't something that I can do. She needs to know that I won't ever do that.

She does show me affection sometimes and maybe I don't focus on those moments enough. She really doesn't hate everything all the time. I feel like she does, but I think really she just doesn't know how to express her feelings except by being grumpy. She is learning to smile and try new things every day. She is slowly learning to trust me as a mother. She is slowly learning to trust that I am not going away. That I am not going to send her back if she fails at something. She is slowly learning that it's okay to be happy here and no one will judge her for it.

4th of July freedom festival. Enjoying the super heroes with our good friends the Beatty Family. Look at the smile on Nastia's face!

 

Olena today at the Young Women 4th year hike. Both girls have never done anything like this before and were kind of terrified when I told them they would be repelling.

 

Nastia's turn. 

 

When I sent them off this morning I was SURE that Nastia would come home mad at me for making her go. She didn't want to, but I told her to listen to everything she was told and to try everything they asked her to, with a smile. I promised her that if she kept smiling she would have fun. When I was sent this picture, I cried and cried, in fact I am still crying :)
A smile like this, seems to be a rare thing lately. It is so wonderful to see her accomplish something that she didn't think she could do, and be happy about it. It is amazing to me to see how far she has come in the 3 months she has been here. I need to focus more on these moments and not on the grumpy ones :)

She is learning to accept that people want her here. And she is learning to like living in a very foreign country with a foreign culture, despite my failures as a mother. I will continue to fail repeatedly. But that doesn't make me a bad person or mother. I have to remember that I am just being groomed for something bigger, and honestly I am a little afraid of what else there might be for me :)