The Perfect Man!

"We come to love not by finding the perfect person, 

But by learning to see an imperfect person, perfectly."

                                                                                                                  - Sam Keen

When we are young, (I'm not sure if boys do this) at some point, we each make a list of what our perfect man would be like. We imagine the perfect qualities our future boyfriend or husband WILL have. I say will, because we never imagine that we will settle for anything less than what is on the list. Sometimes it's only an imaginary list, but other times, some of us actually write that list down. I was one of those girls that actually wrote it down. I remember my list. I don't remember how old I was when I wrote it, but I very specifically remember the things on it (it wasn't very long) and the reasons I felt I wanted those things.

I wanted 

A tall dark and handsome man (I liked the rugged kind of man!)

Someone with a sense of humor

Someone that would treat me well. 

And of course I wanted to marry a rich man!! (doesn't every young girl)

Growing up I always felt a little awkward and was never someone that had boyfriends. I was always just "The Friend". Over time my ideas about what the perfect man was changed, and so did my list. Things were added and taken off, but the things above remained. I knew I wanted someone that would make me laugh and treat me well. I just wasn't sure how to find him.

this is me not long before I came to America

I decided to stop looking. I decided to take a vacation and meet some new people. I had saved all my money for a Mission that I chose to not do, and instead used it to take a year long working vacation to America and Europe.

I came to Utah first to visit with some people I knew. I planned to stay in Utah for 6 months and then go to England and Europe for about the same amount of time. Things didn't work out that way :)

4 weeks after arriving in America I was introduced to Mike. I was told (after expressing a little interest) that he was not the dating type. IF he asked me out I should only expect a phone call on the weekend, IF he had nothing else to do. Apparently while these people were his friends they didn't seem to think that he was someone that wanted to settle down in any way! They were wrong :)

We did go out, and he did call me every day after, and we saw each other every day after, until I left for England. His friends were shocked and confused and wondered what I had done to him.

I was shocked and confused that someone like him would be interested in someone like me.

Mike and I just after we started dating.(Yep I look weird. See why I was so confused!)

I feel like I cheated a little. I got my perfect man. He is everything I had dreamed of as a young girl, (with the exception of the rich part. But I feel rich when I am with him, so I think that counts!!)

I am SO grateful that he followed the advice of Sam Keen and found love not by looking for a perfect person but by seeing my imperfections as a perfect match for him.

We have come a long way in 14 years. We have 6 amazing children that bring joy (and craziness) to our lives every day. It has been an amazing journey so far and I hope and pray it will continue for many more years to come.
Mike I love you. Thank for putting up with my weirdness and loving me anyway. 

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY

Then (1999)

Now (2013)

It's Not Easy, But it's Not Meant To Be

"Failure is natures plan to prepare you for great responsibilities.
-Napoleon Hill.
And you should prepare to fail repeatedly. This process is not going to be easy and it is not meant to be."
-Dr Tom, Being Erica

 

 I like to watch T.V while I fold laundry or if I need a break from everything. I like to find a way to break away from the stress of my own life and focus on someone elses. I know that the stories of these people that I am watching are not real (usually) and that actually allows me to enjoy it even more. I am taken away, just for a brief time, to a place where the troubles are not my own. I am allowed to not focus on what is going on with me and what I could be doing better. For that reason I am grateful to the producers and directors of many T.V shows and movies.

 I know that probably makes me sound like my life is horrible. Let me first say that it is not. I struggle, yes. But My life is not horrible. It is just normal, with normal ups and downs.I try very hard to stay positive but sometimes I fail at that. 

Lately it seems to me and probably to anyone that reads my blog, that I struggle more then most and that I have taken on more then I can handle. But logically I know that is not an accurate statement. I know that I struggle the same as anyone else, just with different things. My struggles are not your struggles, but we each have struggles. I, like most women, (or so I am told), judge my weaknesses harshly against others strengths. So, in my very earthly eyes, I fail ALL THE TIME! So imagine my surprise when yesterday, while I was watching a show that I LOVE (Being Erica) the therapist mentioned the quote above. I listened and imagined he was talking to me, instead of Erica. I should prepare to FAIL REPEATEDLY!! I thought, "how do I prepare to fail?" I hate to fail. In fact I hate it so much that I usually choose to not participate in something that I think I might fail at, because I am so afraid of failure. I constantly tell myself, and honestly believe, that I am not good enough for many things, so I don't even try them. Silly right?! Well not to me :)  To me, it makes perfect sense.
 

The idea that failure is part of my life's plan scares me. Yet I am constantly telling my kids something along these lines. I just don't want it to be part of my own plan. Life isn't meant to be easy. We have each been taught that lesson since we were children. But I am still having trouble with the concept. :)
 

I knew going into, not just the adoption process, but parenting in general, that things would be tough. I knew that I wouldn't be the best parent all the time, and that life would be hard sometimes. But I didn't let it stop me. I KNEW that I was meant to be a parent. I KNEW that Mike and I were meant to adopt these girls. I KNEW that we had followed the plan that our Heavenly Father had for us. I KNEW that this entire process was going to test me, but that through those tests I would be made better. I KNEW that it was going to be HARD. I KNEW and I didn't let it stop me. 

 

Knowing what you know about my complete fear of failing and my avoidance of anything that I feel I could fail at, doesn't it surprise you that I went through with it? When I look back, honestly, it surprises me. 

But, honestly, while I knew all the things about what could happen, I HOPED and probably to some degree, believed, that we would be the exception to the rule about adopting teens. I think, I believed that the girls would come home and magically they would know that they were in a better place. They would be so grateful to me, as their new mother, for rescuing them from their horrible orphanages and bringing them to a beautiful place with so many opportunities for their new life, that they would just love me unconditionally.     They wouldn't rebel and they wouldn't be sad all the time. They wouldn't miss the place and the people that didn't take care of them properly. They would just want to be here with their new family and everything would be amazing. I was wrong. I am not surprised that I now feel like I am failing. But that is not reality. These girls have been through things that I wouldn't wish on anyone. I can't expect them to forget everything and live a fantasy life, just because it is what I hoped for. 

This process is not going to be easy, and it's not meant to be. Life isn't meant to be a fantasy. It's just life. We are here to learn and grow and to be tried and tested along that journey. I have been given a great responsibility. I am the mother of 6 amazing children. All of which come with their own kinds of difficulties. We are here to learn and grow together. I have to remember that my failures do not make me a bad person. I need to change the way I view myself. I might feel like I am failing my children, but in reality, I am not. They are doing well despite my inability to keep my house tidy all the time. 

I have to be honest. Lately I have really struggled trying to bond with Nastia. I try and try and try to show her that I love her. I try and try to tell myself that she will love me. But the frequent rejection is very hard on me. I feel like nothing I try to do is ever going to make a difference with her. Remember when I said I feel like a failure. This is a big part of it. My first instinct is to run away and not try anymore. That way I can't continue to fail at this bonding thing. But that isn't something that I can do. She needs to know that I won't ever do that.

She does show me affection sometimes and maybe I don't focus on those moments enough. She really doesn't hate everything all the time. I feel like she does, but I think really she just doesn't know how to express her feelings except by being grumpy. She is learning to smile and try new things every day. She is slowly learning to trust me as a mother. She is slowly learning to trust that I am not going away. That I am not going to send her back if she fails at something. She is slowly learning that it's okay to be happy here and no one will judge her for it.

4th of July freedom festival. Enjoying the super heroes with our good friends the Beatty Family. Look at the smile on Nastia's face!

 

Olena today at the Young Women 4th year hike. Both girls have never done anything like this before and were kind of terrified when I told them they would be repelling.

 

Nastia's turn. 

 

When I sent them off this morning I was SURE that Nastia would come home mad at me for making her go. She didn't want to, but I told her to listen to everything she was told and to try everything they asked her to, with a smile. I promised her that if she kept smiling she would have fun. When I was sent this picture, I cried and cried, in fact I am still crying :)
A smile like this, seems to be a rare thing lately. It is so wonderful to see her accomplish something that she didn't think she could do, and be happy about it. It is amazing to me to see how far she has come in the 3 months she has been here. I need to focus more on these moments and not on the grumpy ones :)

She is learning to accept that people want her here. And she is learning to like living in a very foreign country with a foreign culture, despite my failures as a mother. I will continue to fail repeatedly. But that doesn't make me a bad person or mother. I have to remember that I am just being groomed for something bigger, and honestly I am a little afraid of what else there might be for me :)

For You I'll Hang The Moon

I know, your probably thinking that I am a little obsessed with this show. Well really, it's more that I am obsessed with the music from this show. It so beautifully expresses a lot of the things I think and feel. I'm not sure exactly why I feel this way, but sometimes I think that my words aren't very eloquent, and when I listen to these very beautiful songs they express how I am feeling, so much better than I can alone.
So please bear with me :)

Sometimes I wish that my life were a movie, at times it really does feel like it could be. I wish that someone could write my character as the perfect mother and wife. I wish I could be told how I should act in each moment so I don't ruin my children. If our lives were a movie all day there'd be music. I feel like I would get a lot more done if I could break into song at any moment and let people know how I feel, using someones elses words. If our lives were a movie I would know what to do, I would learn my part and I would do it well. My children would never fear darkness or any other scary thing. Because I would always be there, and I would always know what to do or say. If our lives were a movie, my children would all be the stars. I wouldn't have to watch them fail or struggle, or be teased and bullied. I would be there to applaud them and I would be their biggest fan. If our lives were a movie then I'd cut away, all the moments when I wasn't there. The scenes that are happy, are all that will stay, the rest will dissolve into air. I would take away all the sad memories that my children have ever had, and they wouldn't be able to make anymore. If our lives were a movie I'd paint you some scenery, We'd sing, and we'd dance, Form morning 'till late afternoon. And when that scene is done, then I'd take down the sun, And for you darling, I'll hang the moon.

  I know in the past

That the lines were all wrong

And the music was never in tune

But the wish that I make

Is for just one more take

Because then darling I'll hang the moon

 My life isn't a movie. I can't take away all the bad things that my girls have seen before they came to us. I can't change the mistakes I have already made with my other children. I can't take away trials for them and I can't be the perfect wife and mother, BUT I can be better.
Just like these lines from the song above, I have had many times in my life when my lines were all wrong or my music was not in tune. But it's okay. Because my Heavenly Father prepared for that. He knew that I would not be perfect. He knew I would need more takes! and not just one more. I get endless takes if I need them. I can continue to try to be the best I can be.
I'll hang the moon for my kids so that they can know that they never have to be alone or afraid. I'll hang the moon so that they know that they ARE THE STARS of their own lives and that I AM their biggest fan. I'll hang the moon so they know that even though I am still trying to learn my part, I love them and will keep trying until I get it right.

As the final reel ends

We might both shed a tear

For the ending is coming up soon

But when the screen fades to black

We can smile and look back

And for you darling - I'll hang the moon...