The Maurin Family Madness: April 2014

Sometimes I feel like I am drowning. Then, just for a few minutes it feels like someone or something pulls me up for air, only to let me fall back in again. This is my life lately.
It seems like this blog has become less about our daily life and more like my journal from when I was a teenager. I only ever wrote in that when I was upset or mad about something. Then every so often I would read back over it and tear all the pages out because I was embarrassed by how unhappy I sounded. So I want to preface this blog entry with this, I know it seems like it is all miserable times here in the Maurin family. But, I promise it isn't. There are many days when everything runs smoothly and there are no incidents, or tantrums or consequences that have to be dealt with or dished out. It is in fact beautiful! But sometimes it feels like those days are few and far between. That is how the last few weeks have been for us.

I found a quote from a fellow Ukrainian teenage adoptive parent yesterday that said "Our goal is not perfection, but incremental progress." I clung to that thought all day because while I understand logically that perfection is unattainable, I STILL WANT IT! I want to see improvement in behavior. I want to have them recognize that their lives are better just by being here and being with a family that loves them. I want them to understand that they now have so many opportunities that they didn't have before. And in the words of Verruca "I want it now!" But like I said, I know logically that those things come slowly, and because of that my wants are are just that, wants. SO my new goal is to focus on the incremental progress that is attainable, and that is visible. It is just so slow and painful sometimes.

There are so many stories I could tell you all, but in an effort to follow the rules I shared in my last post, I am going to do my best to not over share about my kids.
But I will say this, the last few weeks have been HARD!

Every time I feel like I break through the wall, it is built up immediately, much stronger then before. I am repeatedly punished for trying to love and teach. I am punished for days, sometimes longer, whenever I feel like I have made a breakthrough, because (I am told) I was shown a vulnerability that I wasn't supposed to see. I am punished when I say no for a request to buy something. I am punished when someone else gets attention instead of them. I could go on and on.

I am punished a lot, But I STILL LOVE THEM.

I am told by my therapist (yes, I see a therapist. It is so great to be validated and taught skills) that none of these things are about me. Well yay. But does that knowledge make it hurt any less? No!
I say out loud sometimes, "It isn't about me. It is about her and her fears!" and most of the time that knowledge helps me calm down and address the situation a little better then I was before. But it still hurts. It still sometimes feels like I am having a knife stabbed into my chest.

But I STILL LOVE THEM.

I don't know that I will ever feel like I am fully equipped to deal with the issues that are set before me. But I am going to continue to try. I am emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted almost all the time. My house is a wreck because I just don't have the will to clean it most days. I am tired of the extra arguments and sassy-ness that have come from my other children because of the stress level in the house some days and because of lack of attention. I am so tired of the stress that some situations puts on my marriage and the arguments it causes.
But I am grateful, SO grateful, to have a husband that still loves me, even though most days lately, I don't have a lot left in my bucket to give to him. Life would be much harder without him and his support.

Adoption is hard. Would I change it? NO! Why? Because I know that these girls are meant to be here with us. I know that we are meant to be their parents and they are meant to have a family around them to help them through their tough times. I know that Miranda needed sisters her age to be there for her. I KNOW that this is the path that our family was meant to take. So I will continue along this crazy path and continue to try my best to show them love and support and teach them that they are GOOD and KIND, SMART and BEAUTIFUL and that the things that have made them so afraid are NOT THEIR FAULT!!!
I will keep watching for their incremental progress, because even though it is slow, it is definitely there, and that is a miracle.

Here are some pictures of some of yesterdays bright shiny moments. I love days when smiles are in abundance :) The girls and I had a Dr's appointment in American Fork yesterday. Since Miranda goes to school up there and I didn't want to make two trips, we decided to meet up with some of my friends and see the tulip festival at Thanksgiving point to waste a little time until we had to pick her up. It was fun to relax and not have to think about school or chores and just enjoy the beautiful day with friends. (My friends asked me to share some of the pictures I took of their kids. I am still learning how to use my camera, so they are not fantastic, but the colors were so pretty!)