A Small Look Into My Soul Today

This post is written for me, and it's long. Feel free to keep reading but please know that this is more like a look into my soul than a blog post about my family. I am not asking for anything, I just needed to write it down. Here is just where it ended up. So be warned :)


I had a little epiphany last night. I had had another fight with Nastia about food (it's a very frequent occurrence these days) and I left the house, after much yelling and a broken bowl, in a bad mood. I know, not the best parenting choice, but I am only human and sometimes I snap.

I left with no place really to go. I don't have family around and I hate to just drop by someones house in the state I was in. So I drove and ended up at the Payson Temple and just sat there. I sat and looked at it and cried. I cried at the emptiness I felt. I cried for the loss of myself. I cried for the constant battle I feel like I am in. I cried for my kids and the turmoil they seem to always be involved in. I cried for Nastia and for the battle and struggle and loss she feels with me and herself at all times. I cried and prayed for help. I begged for help from my Father in Heaven, for strength to continue down this path that he put us on. I prayed for guidance. For the best way to help my struggling angry sad special needs daughter. I prayed for the faith that I know I need to keep going, but that is slowly disappearing.

As I sat there I felt alone and empty. I felt unsure if my family would or could continue to survive this roller coaster we have been on for 2 years. I continued to stare at the Temple and tried to recall the feelings of overwhelming joy that I felt when we were sealed to our daughters. I tried to remember the promises given to us in that building. I tried to find my testimony that feels like it is leaving me. But, I struggled. I thought about all the people that have much greater struggles in life than I do. I thought of my friends brother that is losing his battle with cancer and leaving behind a young family. I thought about my sister in law that is currently going through a very painful treatment for a disease that has left her unable to speak or move well. I thought about their strength and faith through each of their journeys and felt guilty for my minor uncomfortableness.

But then I listened to a few conference talks and a song. 
I wanted to share with you the answer I received while I was crying in the night in front of the temple.
Elder L.Tom Perry quoted this scripture in one of his talks and it stood out to me.
“And now, my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall” (Helaman 5:12). 

Then President Dieter F Uchtdorf said this:
"Does the Spirit of God dwell in your hearts? Are you “rooted and grounded” in the love of God and of your fellowmen? Do you devote sufficient time and creativity to bringing happiness to your marriage and family? Do you give your energies to the sublime goal of comprehending and living “the breadth, and length, and depth, and height”⁹ of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ?"

 And again in another talk he said this
"We were created with the express purpose and potential of experiencing a fulness of joy. ⁴ Our birthright—and the purpose of our great voyage on this earth—is to seek and experience eternal happiness. One of the ways we find this is by creating things.

If you are a mother, you participate with God in His work of creation—not only by providing physical bodies for your children but also by teaching and nurturing them.

You may think you don’t have talents, but that is a false assumption, for we all have talents and gifts, every one of us. ⁵ The bounds of creativity extend far beyond the limits of a canvas or a sheet of paper and do not require a brush, a pen, or the keys of a piano. Creation means bringing into existence something that did not exist before—colorful gardens, harmonious homes, family memories, flowing laughter.

What you create doesn’t have to be perfect. So what if the eggs are greasy or the toast is burned? Don’t let fear of failure discourage you. Don’t let the voice of critics paralyze you—whether that voice comes from the outside or the inside.
 If you still feel incapable of creating, start small. Try to see how many smiles you can create, write a letter of appreciation, learn a new skill, identify a space and beautify it."

Then I found this beautiful talk given by Sister Hilarie Cole from the West Jordan Utah Stake, in April 1995. It is a short talk so if you get a moment you should listen to her give it.

"We are all different. Each of us has been given talents as well as challenges. Some of us may have physical or mental limitations; others may be lonely or come from homes that do not teach gospel principles. Because Heavenly Father loves each of us, he has provided us with a source of comfort and strength—the scriptures.

I had a desire to gain a personal testimony of the power and truthfulness of the scriptures.

But that did not happen easily. Because of my learning disability, it was hard to read the words and even more difficult to understand them. I often felt embarrassed and frustrated. I didn’t like to go to Young Women because I felt inadequate. I was afraid I might be called on to read. I felt more comfortable with my family, but I continued to feel frustrated.

I prayed for help and I found this scripture. Moroni 7:33, I will share with you my answer: “And Christ hath said: If ye will have faith in me ye shall have power to do whatsoever thing is expedient in me.”

What a wonderful promise! If I would put my faith in the Lord, he would help me. He would help me to understand the scriptures. This was the key for me. One verse at a time, one day at a time, I began to understand. Even my schoolwork improved. The Book of Mormon got me through high school. I still have my learning disability and face challenges every day, but daily scripture study reminds me to have faith in my Heavenly Father.

No matter where you live or what kind of family you come from, Heavenly Father loves you and will be there to help and strengthen you whenever you need him. I know this because he has been there for me". 

I highlighted some of the points that really stood out to me. And, the point that kept coming to me was that I NEED to put my faith in the lord. I need to make sure that I am grounded, and have a sure foundation in him and his gospel. President Uchtdorf asked "DO you give your energies to the sublime goal of comprehending and living “the breadth, and length, and depth, and height”⁹ of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ?" Sister Cole said if I put my faith in the Lord he will help me. And President Uchtdorf reminded me that I should not let my own voice of criticism paralyze me. 

My challenges are just as important to my Heavenly Father as anyone elses. The atonement does apply to me.  If I build my foundation in Christ the winds of the devil (my trials and challenges) will not be able to drag me down into despair. He will be there and help strengthen me when I need him. And he was, last night.
I am still struggling. I am still exhausted in every way possible. My bucket is still empty and has been kicked down the street. This answer doesn't change that right now, But, I am grateful to my Heavenly Father for giving me a way to find my bucket and add a little to it each day. 

I need to remember to put my faith in him. To read my scriptures, say my prayers, attend the Temple and do the basic things we are taught to do. I have been so tired lately I have allowed those things, and therefore my foundation in Christ, to slip.
This song really brought it home for me last night. Please listen to it.

 I know these things, but somehow I have allowed myself to forget them. But my Heavenly Father really does know me. I am at a different place than you are on your journey. I may have even fallen back a little from where I was, even a year ago. But, I know I can find his peace again. I don't have to feel alone and afraid anymore. He is with me. I have to let some things go, and I have to allow him to lead me again. I have felt that burning so many times in my life and I know he is leading me along my journey. No, he is carrying my along my journey. With his help I know I cannot fail.