Thursday, May 2, 2013

A Little Look Into My Soul

I'll be honest, telling people how I really feel, isn't the easiest things for me to do. It makes me feel very vulnerable. But I have no other outlet so I am going to use this mostly for my benefit. I need to vent. I don't need judgement, I just need to get out my pent up feelings. So please excuse the fact that it probably won't make a lot of sense!

I knew going in to this process, life would change. I knew that things wouldn't be easy. I knew that there would be difficulties, that while I thought I was mostly prepared, after speaking with other adoptive parents and my Bishop, I knew things would still come up, that I wasn't prepared for. I knew that there would be feelings of inadequacy. I knew that me, being me, would just struggle with the adjustment, probably just as much as the girls did, and I knew that my other children, would probably fight the change to their family status at some point. I knew all of that and still decided to follow the Lords path for u,s and adopt not just the one we had planned for, but another just because we knew we should. I KNEW, but still did it.

That being said, things haven't been terrible. We have had upsets and frustrations and sassy little 8 year olds! But nothing worse than expected.

What I didn't expect and what has thrown me for a loop, is the emotional roller coaster I have personally been on since arriving home with the girls. 

If you don't know me well, I am an emotional person in general. I can cry at commercials, or at a compliment given to me. I cry, it's what I do. So imagine my surprise, when even I am confused at how on edge I am all the time.
I am constantly feeling like I could cry at any minute. I feel like I am trying to make sure that everyone is happy all the time. I know that is an impossible task, even in a normal family situation. But I am trying. I want my new children to feel like this is there home and its a great place to live. I want them to want to be here and and no where else. I also want my other children to see that nothing has changed for them, even though in reality, everything has changed.
I want to find foods that everyone will eat. This is a constant everyday battle that most days leaves me with a feeling that I am the worst cook in the world, and cannot, no matter how hard I try please everyone.
I am still trying to get caught up on laundry and cleaning from when I was away. Something that is causing me a lot of anxiety, and stress.
I am constantly fighting feelings of inadequacy, that were already present before this journey, only to be made worse by it, and by the knowledge that there are people in my own family that think I am incapable of dealing with this new life change.
Everyday, I am trying to encourage the girls to make new friends and try new things and speak a new language, that I have no idea how to teach them.  I try so hard to please everyone and keep the peace and go and go and go. It is exhausting. Life is exhausting physically, but mostly mentally.

On top of all that, the one thing that has kept me sane up till this point, running, has been taken away. Mike got new job, (such a blessing) but he has to leave so early in the morning to commute to this new job that our running together has become non existent. We keep making plans to get up and go before he leaves but the reality of life sets in and getting up at 4.30am to run is really just not something that I feel like we can do for more then 1 day. Running in the evening was going to be the plan but, when he gets home from work, eats dinner (that no one really likes) and spends some time with the kids before they go to bed, he is exhausted and I am spent and we both fall asleep on the couch, before we drag our tired sorry selves to bed to start all over again.
So every few days, I wake up and feel, even before the day has really started, that I am not sure how to keep going. I cry and feel sorry for myself and then do my best to pull myself together and keep going.

Maybe those nay sayers are right about me. Maybe I don't have what it takes to parent 6 children. Maybe taking on 2 teenage girls, with their own set of issues, and no real understanding of the English language, really was too much for this emotional girl to take on. Maybe I will never get my house to look tidy like my mothers did when I was growing up (she had 10 kids and a spotless house). Maybe I am the worst cook in the world. Maybe my kids will never think that this is the greatest place to live or the best family ever. And, maybe that's OKAY!
I decided today to read my copy of the talk given by Dieter F Uchtdorf entitled Forget me not. In this talk he points out 5 things I am working on remembering, but would do us all good to remember. I wanted to share them with you.
"1. Forget not to be patient with yourself.
God is fully aware that you and I are not perfect. Let me add: God is also fully aware that the people you think are perfect are not. And yet we spend so much time and energy comparing ourselves to others- usually comparing our weaknesses to their strengths. This drives us to create expectations for ourselves that are impossible to meet. As a result we never celebrate our good efforts because they seem to be less than what someone else does (this is so me!)
Dear sisters many of you are endlessly compassionate and patient with the weaknesses of others. Please remember to also be compassionate and patient with yourself. Be thankful for the small successes in your home, your family relationships, your education and livelihood, your church participation and personal improvement. These successes may seem tiny to you and may go unnoticed by others, but God notices them and they are not small to him. If you consider success to be only the most perfect rose or dazzling orchid, you may miss some of life's sweetest experiences."
2. Forget not the difference between a good sacrifice and a foolish sacrifice. 
"Our Heavenly Father is most pleased when we sacrifice something good for something far greater with an eternal perspective."
3.Forget not to be Happy now!
"The happiest people I know are not those who find their golden ticket; they are those who, while in pursuit of worthy goals, discover and treasure the beauty and sweetness of the everyday moments. They are the ones who, thread by daily thread, weave a tapestry of gratitude and wonder throughout their lives. These are they who are truly happy."
4. Forget not the why of the Gospel
"Seek out the majesty, the beauty, and the exhilarating joy of the why of the gospel of Jesus Christ. The what and the how of obedience mark the way and keep us on the right path. The why of obedience sanctifies our actions transforming the mundane into the majestic. It magnifies our small acts of obedience into holy acts of consecration. "
5. Forget not that the Lord loves you.
" You are not forgotten. Wherever you are, whatever your circumstances may be, you are not forgotten. No matter how dark your days may seem, no matter how insignificant you may feel, no matter how overshadowed you think you may be, Your Heavenly Father has not forgotten you.
 In fact he loves you with an infinite love. 
You are destined for more than you can possibly imagine!"

This is an amazing talk that if you haven't heard it please take a moment to listen to it below. If you have heard it but not for a while listen again. It will change the way you view yourself and your life. It has for me.

I know that I will never fully feel like I was prepared to take on this challenge. I know that a small part of me will always wonder if what we chose was really what was best for us. I know that I will always struggle with feelings of inadequacy. But I also know that The Lord knows me better than I know myself. HE KNOWS that I am capable of this challenge, no matter how hard it gets. HE KNOWS that while everyday may be a struggle, that I have the strength to get through it. HE KNOWS that we took the path that he set for us and so I KNOW, that he will be right there with us as we journey along it.
I am not saying that I suddenly feel like this is easy and there will be no problems ahead. I am just saying that I know that my Heavenly Father recognizes the struggles I have and will help me get through them as a stronger person. I am hopeful that things will begin to get easier for us, but I will not expect it!  :)
Life isn't meant to be easy, but it is meant to be worth the struggles we go through. And it is!



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