Just Keep Swimming

Sometimes I feel like I am drowning. Then, just for a few minutes it feels like someone or something pulls me up for air, only to let me fall back in again. This is my life lately.
It seems like this blog has become less about our daily life and more like my journal from when I was a teenager. I only ever wrote in that when I was upset or mad about something. Then every so often I would read back over it and tear all the pages out because I was embarrassed by how unhappy I sounded. So I want to  preface this blog entry with this, I know it seems like it is all  miserable times here in the Maurin family. But, I promise it isn't. There are many days when everything runs smoothly and there are no incidents, or tantrums or consequences that have to be dealt with or dished out. It is in fact beautiful! But sometimes it feels like those days are few and far between. That is how the last few weeks have been for us.

I found a quote from a fellow Ukrainian teenage adoptive parent yesterday that said "Our goal is not perfection, but incremental progress." I clung to that thought all day because while I understand logically that perfection is unattainable, I STILL WANT IT! I want to see improvement in behavior. I want to have them recognize that their lives are better just by being here and being with a family that loves them. I want them to understand that they now have so many opportunities that they didn't have before. And in the words of Verruca "I want it now!" But like I said, I know logically that those things come slowly, and because of that my wants are are just that, wants.  SO my new goal is to focus on the incremental progress that is attainable, and that is visible. It is just so slow and painful sometimes.

There are so many stories I could tell you all, but in an effort to follow the rules I shared in my last post, I am going to do my best to not over share about my kids.
But I will say this, the last few weeks have been HARD!

Every time I feel like I break through the wall, it is built up immediately, much stronger then before. I am repeatedly punished for trying to love and teach. I am punished for days, sometimes longer, whenever I feel like I have made a breakthrough, because (I am told) I was shown a vulnerability that I wasn't supposed to see. I am punished when I say no for a request to buy something. I am punished when someone else gets attention instead of them. I could go on and on. 

I am punished a lot, But I STILL LOVE THEM.

I am told by my therapist (yes, I see a therapist. It is so great to be validated and taught skills) that none of these things are about me. Well yay. But does that knowledge make it hurt any less? No!
I say out loud sometimes, "It isn't about me. It is about her and her fears!" and most of the time that knowledge helps me calm down and address the situation a little better then I was before. But it still hurts. It still sometimes feels like I am having a knife stabbed into my chest. 

But I STILL LOVE THEM. 

I don't know that I will ever feel like I am fully equipped to deal with the issues that are set before me. But I am going to continue to try. I am emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted almost all the time. My house is a wreck because I just don't have the will to clean it most days. I am tired of the extra arguments and sassy-ness that have come from my other children because of the stress level in the house some days and because of lack of attention. I am so tired of the stress that some situations puts on my marriage and the arguments it causes. 
But I am grateful, SO grateful, to have a husband that still loves me, even though most days lately, I don't have a lot left in my bucket to give to him.  Life would be much harder without him and his support.
 
Adoption is hard. Would I change it? NO! Why? Because I know that these girls are meant to be here with us. I know that we are meant to be their parents and they are meant to have a family around them to help them through their tough times. I know that Miranda needed sisters her age to be there for her. I KNOW that this is the path that our family was meant to take. So I will continue along this crazy path and continue to try my best to show them love and support and teach them that they are GOOD and KIND, SMART and BEAUTIFUL and that the things that have made them so afraid are NOT THEIR FAULT!!!
I will keep watching for their incremental progress, because even though it is slow, it is definitely there, and that is a miracle.

Here are some pictures of some of yesterdays bright shiny moments. I love days when smiles are in abundance :) The girls and I had a Dr's appointment in American Fork yesterday. Since Miranda goes to school up there and I didn't want to make two trips, we decided to meet up with some of my friends and see the tulip festival at Thanksgiving point to waste a little time until we had to pick her up.  It was fun to relax and not have to think about school or chores and just enjoy the beautiful day with friends.  (My friends asked me to share some of the pictures I took of their kids. I am still learning how to use my camera, so they are not fantastic, but the colors were so pretty!)

It's smiles like these that keep me going :)

Her smile just cracks me up!! Holly, I love her :)

If you haven't had a chance to go, visit the tulip festival. It's beautiful. My amateur pictures don't do it justice!
Keep smiling!!

What not to do with my kids (and some other stuff thrown in for good measure!)

Parenting 6 children sure has its' ups and downs. Add in 2 older children from a different country with different backgrounds and culture and language and you have a very interesting life! This past week we have started new activities for everyone (except Nastia, who can't decide) which has made life a little busier. Olena is doing Jazz dancing, Miranda is doing ballroom, Talon and Carter are doing gymnastics and Lucy is doing Tramp and tumbling (gymnastics but without the beam and bars, just the flipping) wish me luck :)

This morning I came across a couple of blog posts written by other families that have adopted older children. I loved reading both of them for very different reasons. One was a post about all the ways we should be treating these kids, and how to handle certain situations that may arise, appropriately, while helping them learn and grow and especially learn to trust their new life. The other was kind of a response to these lessons and how this other woman had failed on almost all of the things mentioned in the first post.
I loved the first because I really feel like I need help. I love finding different opinions on how to handle situations that come up with our girls. I plan on trying all of the things suggested. But what I love about the second post was that I was not alone in doing things incorrectly. I was not alone in not always putting their feelings first. That I am normal because I sometimes loose patience with them and I don't behave rationally or appropriately for the situation. And really it's ok.
Let me share some of their examples with you:
This is the post shared on The Cork Board about what not to do with older adopted children. (secret: I think I have also done every single one of these things at least once in the last year!!)

1. Do not dis your child’s country of origin…ever. Or at least not until they develop a sense of humor. We adore Ethiopia but the truth is that it’s polluted and smoggy with an unmistakable diesel-mixed-with-raw-sewage smell, and they teach weird, backward things in health class. It will not build trust in your child to look incredulously at them when they tell you their health teacher taught them eating ice will give you tonsillitis or that Michael Jackson turned white because he had his skin turned inside out. Instead, take the higher road. Calmly state, “That’s interesting. What else did you learn in ?”
2. Do not minimize felt discomfort. We respected their boundaries pretty well for the first 3 months. Then the honeymoon ended and so did my patience. Instead of honoring the fact that eye contact felt weird or that hearing the words “I love you” (even between two other people) were like nails on a chalk board, we verbalized how ridiculous they were acting. We probably should have tried “I wonder why ‘I love you’ makes you so uncomfortable?” (and been okay with a non-answer) when we really said, “That’s unhealthy. What are you going to do when you get married?…Nope, you won’t find a husband that’s okay with never saying those words. No really. Not going to happen. Ever. And that’s why you’re still in therapy, since you asked yesterday.”
3. Do not build expectations based around age. I wish we had established early on that we would make decisions and create expectations around currently exhibited skills. I love the way my friend, Alex, uses language such as, “Your behavior is communicating to me that you don’t feel safe enough or able to . Let me help you this time and we’ll try again another time.” My tendency has been to frustratingly point out that kids their age should be able to follow a 2 step direction or copy a paragraph with minimal mistakes. We’ve also used words like “catch up” and “act like a big girl/boy” and “you SHOULD know that.” Bad ideas…even when your teenager showers with the shower curtain all.the.way open with no rug on the floor because the rug was hanging on the rod which, of course, made the curtain impossible to close.
4. Do not minimize fears. As a really pragmatic person, this is so hard for me. It’s hard when my teenage, sleep-walking daughter demands to be on the top bunk. My logical self exasperatingly says, “Too bad! It is NOT SAFE for you to be on the top bunk.” When I find out it’s because she’s more susceptible to monsters on the bottom bunk, I have a hard time keeping a straight face and / or not telling her to GET. OVER. IT!
5. Do not push their buttons in return. These kids are button-pushing geniuses. Apparently so am I. Take it from an expert…retaliation is counterproductive no matter how good it feels. Withholding those necessary “yesses” also not helpful. Please tell me I’m not the only one who struggles with joyful yesses.
6. Do not assume anything. The attitude-y body language drives me nuts just like the next mom, but when they totally deny it…ERRRG. I’ve actually come to the conclusion that they are usually completely clueless to how they come across. So all those redos and lectures about such behavior…totally lost and probably caused loads of relational damage since the accused parties honest-to-goodness think they are innocent.
7. Do not use sarcasm or figurative speech. It’s getting lost in translation. Even worse, it’s being taken literally.
8. Do not engage with a dysregulated child. It’s all lies and nonsense meant to push buttons. I’ve wasted many words on battling such verbal diarrhea which has escalated us to both the hospital and police station. Don’t be us. Save your breath. Just stay calm and close and grasp for straws.
9. Do not overshare. At least not to everyone or with specific names. This is probably the only valid reason for adopting multiple older kids at once. My crazy story can apply to any of four kids. Find a few trusted friends and a secret FB group. The fact that my family’s still intact and moving toward emotional health (so our therapist says) despite my constant  battle with oversharing is evidence of miracles and God’s unending mercy. Don’t isolate yourself, but protect your kids. It’s the Catch 22 of parenting kids from hard places.
10. Do not use consequences that are not directly linkable to the actions. Taking away electronics for mouthiness is translated, “They didn’t really want me to have a anyway. They can have it.” At least that’s how it goes in my house. Kids that have been traumatized and / or grew up with nothing cannot be motivated by lost privileges. They just adapt and it further reinforces that no one will ever love them.

If you compare each of these 10 things (that I have done) with the list of things found on For the love of Levi, Zahrai and Natalie You will see what I mean. I also think that these things can and should be adapted to my bio kids as well. Everyone of our kids deserve to be treated in a way that shows only our love for them.

I am trying so hard to be that good parent that these girls so desperately need. But most days I go to bed feeling like a complete failure.
I do have hope. I know I am not alone. I know that other adoptive parents feel just like I do most of the time. I also make sure that my girls hear me say I love you, all the time. Although, I am still not certain that they believe it. (In fact, know that for sure that one of them doesn't.) I am trying to make sure I am giving them the things they not only need but also want. Things they have never ha but always hoped to have. For example Olena started dance classes this week. She told me when she first came how much she waned to learn how to dance. We waited to put her in a class to make sure that she was able to understand English well enough to follow all the directions, and also to make sure we could afford it. I sat and watched her class on Monday and it was the best feeling in the world. She literally couldn't keep the smile off her face, THE WHOLE TIME!! It was amazing to watch.

Nastia has yet to pick something she really wants to do, so we haven't had that experience with her yet. But, I was looking through pictures on her phone about a week ago and came across a picture of a teddy bear that she had seen sitting on a shelf at a store we had walked through. I asked her about it and she said that she had never had a big teddy bear and had always wanted one on her bed. I couldn't believe it. I told her I would do my best to find her one. Yesterday I found the cutest big bunny (not a teddy bear, but Miranda said it was even cuter so we went with it!) at the store and couldn't resist. I was so excited to bring it home to her. She didn't seem as excited about it as I had hoped, but she didn't let that thing go all afternoon. Mike cam home and she was still holding tight to it and carrying it around on her shoulders and so proud to show it off to him, with a very big grin. It was beautiful to watch. She didn't let that thing go till she showered this morning!
Hopefully it will help her understand, even if it is just a little, that I will always do my very best to give her the things she wants as well as needs! Also, that no request even something as simple as a teddy bear, is silly to me.

On a different note, Miranda, Talon, Lucy, Carter and I recently auditioned for our towns summer musical 'The Adventures of Tom Sawyer". It was such a fun experience to do with the kids. They were all so great at the auditions and so supportive of each other ( I tried really hard to get the other 2 kids to come with us but they refused)
Miranda and I were called back for lead roles and it was scary for me! I have only been in one musical/play before this one so felt like I really didn't have any experience with this process or any chance. But despite all that, they apparently saw something they liked (and despite my terrible attempt at an American accent) and cast me in a Lead Role as Widow Douglas.
Miranda on the other hand is an amazing actress and singer, and was perfect for the role she auditioned for (Becky Thatcher, Tom Sawyers girlfriend).
Unfortunately, despite how well she did in the call backs, and being told that she was the favorite of a few of the people on the board, and was talked about between them from the first audition, she didn't get the lead role she wanted. The girl they chose had a little bit better chemistry with the boy that was chosen to play Tom. It was a sad day in our house for her yesterday. She did however get a speaking role, and Talon got a featured role. Lucy and Carter are in the ensemble. It is going to be a FUN summer!!